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I wish It would Break.

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Apr. 26th, 2010 | 08:22 pm
mood: calmcalm

Author: Dolavine
Title: I wish it would break.
Pairings: Jensen/Jared J2AU
Rating: PG13 for painful situations
Word count: 5,998
Warnings: Character death, pain, angst, heartbreak, mourning, misery, not a happy ending. You’ve been warned; this is a death fic, an what would happen if… prompt.
Disclosure: I do not own Jared or Jensen nor do I want to, I would like to just lease them for the weekends. I do not claim to know their real lives, this is purely a fantasy played out with the help of my own psychosis. I gain nothing monetarily from this and never plan on doing so.
Summary: Jensen dies in a car crash. Jared is haunted by his memory and refuses to let the love of his life go.




Jared sits in the crowded, intensely white, noisy, and dense with heat and bodies’ waiting room. He holds his head in his hands, gold wedding band shining in the harsh florescent light. He has to fight back the tears, be the strong one as he waits for Donna and Alan to get here.

He lifts his head and looks into the din of people as his name is called, the sound echoing like a dream sequence, he barely hears the sounds, the letters being formed with a thick southern drawl by the Nurse holding the grey swinging door open as she scans the room. “Jared Padalecki, Mr. Jared Padalecki?” Her voice is calm with the question.

Jared stands up, his feet numb barely able to step forward as he lifts his hand in the air signaling her. He walks over unsteady, heart pounding, mouth dry, and whispers, “I’m Jared Padalecki.”
“Mr. Padalecki, are you here with Jensen Ackles?”
“Yes.” His voice shaking, hands tucked inside of his front pockets cringing at the sound of Jensen’s name rolling off of her lips.
“The Doctor would like to speak with you and then you can go in and see Mr. Ackles. Follow me.”

That short walk to the rooms behind the emergency trauma center never seemed so long. Jared looked through every crack in every pulled curtain, listening for Jensen’s voice expecting to hear his laugh as he teased a nurse or told a joke to an orderly, searching for any sign of him before he would speak to the doctor.

“Wait here Mr. Padalecki the doctor will be right out.”
Jared leaned helplessly against the pale wall unable to sit on the small bench next to him, his legs feeling like stilts as he stared down at the short seat. The wait was mere minutes but seemed like hours as the second hand ticked an endless sound engulfing the room, pounding in his ears deafening and cold.

The Door swings open and a man in blue scrubs steps out, a chart held tight in his left hand, and he extends a hand towards Jared.
“Mr. Padelecki I’m Doctor Daniels.”
Jared takes his hand barely gripping it moving it up and down as he stares expectantly into the doctor’s eyes. “Nice to meet you Doctor Daniels,” His voice so low it’s barely audible as he speaks to him. Jared swallows hard as he tries to swallow the dry saliva clinging to the back of his throat.
“Mr. Padalecki.” The Doctor starts but Jared cuts him off. “Jared, just Jared,” He says his voice higher now with anxious anticipation.
“Jared.” He starts again. “I’m not going to candy coat this for you, I don’t have anything to make this sound better and it’s not going to be good to hear.”
Jared’s heart sinks into his stomach, he can’t help it as the time for being strong is gone now and he lets the tears he’s been keeping back for hours well up in his eyes. He feels his knees weaken and he sinks to the short bench eyes still fixed on the doctor’s as he sits down next to him meeting his gaze.
“Mr. Ackles injuries are too severe to undergo surgery. He has uncontrollable internal bleeding and the transfusions will only be able to sustain him for a short while. I’m afraid that with the amount of blood loss he is encountering we could never open him up safely to find the cause. He has numerous breaks in his legs and arms plus a severe concussion causing some swelling and brain pressure. He’s conscious, and seems coherent but is in a lot of pain along with the fact he is very weak from the blood loss.”

Jared blinks breaking his blank dazed stare. His hands are cold, his limbs seem useless and he can not process what is being said. He goes deaf as if he is under water when the next round of words comes out of the doctor’s mouth, lips moving but all he hears is muffled sounds. “We believe that Mr. Ackles has a few hours left at most and he has been asking for you.”

“Mr. Padalecki.” The doctor says putting his hand on Jared’s shoulder. Jared jolts back to reality. “You are going to want to go see him now. He knows he only has a few hours or less to live so don’t dwell on that, he has been asking for you.”

Jared stands up, shakes the doctor’s hand, going through the motions but not understanding any of it. The numbness floods his body taking over every inch of him as he blindly follows the doctor through the door and down the hall. They turn the corner to a small room, the door is closed and Jared can see Jensen inside his head is turned to the window looking longingly at the dark night his face wet with tears.

Jared puts his hand on the door knob and composes himself wiping the tiny tears streaming down his cheeks away before pulling the door open and walking in.
Jensen looks over at Jared a tiny smile across his lips; his eyes blood shot the green deeper than Jared has ever seen and full of tears. There is blood in his hair, on his neck, fingertips, and gown. His left arm is wrapped and lying across his chest, his legs in traction devices and stretched out on the bed. He has blood bags hooked up to IVs leaking crimson down thin tubes into his arm and yet he is so pale, paler than he ever has seen him. He steadies himself leaning over the bed and kissing Jensen’s forehead, the flesh cool and dry.

Jensen winces but is grateful for the touch of Jared’s warm lips. He lifts his head catching Jared’s loving gaze. “Hey.” He whispers in a low tired tone. “I wondered if you were ever coming back to see me.” He smiles from under the oxygen canella tube up his nose. He coughs the sound rattling in the back of his throat.

Jared reaches out and touches his hand. “Don’t try to talk Jen.” His voice cracking as he tries to be strong for him.
“Jay, if I don’t talk to you now, when am I going to talk to you. I don’t want our last hour to be silent. Hell our last five years have never been silent why start now.” He gives a half hearted chuckle and grips his fingers around Jared’s hand. His eyes look into Jared’s the look is filled with love and longing and he takes a deep breath. “I know I tell you Jay, I know I say I love you. I want you to truly know Jay; I do love you with all of my heart. I want you to know that I’ve loved you since the first time you shook my hand. Since that second when your warm skin touched mine I knew you were my soul mate.” Jensen’s voice cracks as tears stream down his face. “Jay I can’t put a lifetime of love into a few minutes but I thought that if you know I do love you it might feel like that.” He closes his eyes his lips trembling.

“Jen, don’t talk like this.” Jared’s hand runs down Jensen’s cheek wiping away some of the tears.
“When should I talk like this Jay? It’s going to be too late very shortly.”

“I won’t let you go Jen, never.” Jared falls down on his knees his head on Jensen’s chest sobbing.
“Your going to have to Jay, there’s nothing either one of us can do about it.” Jensen swallows hard his heart breaking into a million pieces with each word.
“I want a lifetime with you.” Jared croaks out.
“And you got one. I gave you all I can for this lifetime, now you’re going to have to go on without me.” Jensen strokes Jared’s hair.
“I can’t, I just can’t live without you, and I gave up everything for us Jen. I gave up my life for us. I can’t go on without you, I love you so much.” Jared sobs his hands squeezing Jensen’s gown tight in his fists.
“You have too, and you will.” Jensen closes his eyes rubbing Jared’s hair under his cold fingers.

The door opens and Jensen’s parents come in. They rush to his side, Jared stands up wiping the tears from his eyes and hugging them. “Donna, Alan.” He says composing himself and stepping back letting them have their time with their son.

Jared steps out into the hall watching as Donna and Alan interact with Jensen. They hug, cry and console each other. Jensen glances at the door seeing Jared looking through the glass and Jared can see Jensen’s lips mouth his name to Donna who turns and looks at him watching through the door. She shakes her head yes before turning back to Jensen.

They sit around the bed and Jensen is visibly weaker. He hasn’t spoken in over ten minutes so the nurse checks his vitals, he can barely keep his eyes open, his breathing is slower, his skin colder and she shuts off the blood I.V. drip and disconnects it. She bumps up his oxygen by two notches and gives him a shot of Adavan into his I.V hookup before leaving the room.

Jared knows what is coming; he knows she is making him comfortable, calming him so he won’t struggle with his final ragged breaths.

Donna and Alan take his hands and softly stroke them telling him they love him, telling him he will be safe now in God’s arms and they pray for his deliverance and Jared can’t help but join in the Lords Prayer. He stands at the foot of the bed his hands resting on Jensen’s leg as they feel him inhale softly his eyes fluttering before he exhales a hard hollow sound pushing from deep in the back of his throat, every muscle in his body limp, the heart monitor tone dropping to a steady squealing sound as the green line straightens out flat.

Jared sits next to the bed with Jensen, his body flat, covered with a sheet, the coldness of his flesh seeping through the cotton thread as Jared holds his hand staring at his outline pushing through the white covering. He wonders if what people say is true, if Jensen’s soul is still here with him, he is waiting for him to say good-bye one last time before going into the light and moving on. He looks around the room. “If you’re here Jen, I’ll always love you.” His heart is breaking as he lets go of Jensen’s hand the cold stiff fingers slipping from his grip. He walks out the door and tells the orderly’s they can take him down now.
**

He stares down the hole, his hand clutching cold Earth as he swings his arm out over the opening and drops the handful of dirt onto the dark mahogany casket the sound a light spreading thud as he turns Jensen over to the ground and says his good-bye.

Jared’s knees are weak and he can barely make it back to the Limo without help from Jim and Misha who shove him into the backseat before climbing in beside him. Jim pours Jared a glass of water from the bar and hands it to him. “Here Jare this helps sometimes.”
He looks at the glass the clear liquid sparkling in the summer sunlight streaming through the window. “No thanks.” He says calmly. He looks out the window watching all the people walking past the grave, handfuls of dirt dropping onto the casket and he can almost hear the sound as the hole fills up, the dull quiet sound as his love disappears forever beneath all the dirt’s crushing weight and he gets a lump in his throat. Jared can’t breathe, he feels crushed like the weight is on him and not the casket, his heart aches for the warm touch of Jensen right now, he wants him to reach over and take his hand tell him it is all going to be ok, it’s just a really bad dream.

Misha puts his hand on Jensen’s knee. “Hey buddy.” He says softly. Jared looks at him with a dull blank gaze. “I want him here.” He says dryly. “No amount of what you’re going to tell me is going to put him here with me so, please don’t try and console me.” He turns his head back to the window and looks out.

The limo ride to the wake is quiet. Misha and Jim exchange glances as they keep an eye on Jared still staring out the window with an empty look.

The caravan of limos pulls up to the hall that was booked by Kripke Entertainment and everyone files out. Jared watches as they pass his window. Donna and Alan holding tight to each other, Mackenzie and Josh with their spouses and the baby clinging to each other, tears, black clothes, kleenex in hand, Danneel and Steve hold close to each other, and many others mourning Jensen. Everyone files into the building the door shutting behind them and Jared is still in the car with Misha and Jim, still looking out the window staring at the building not wanting to go inside, his body stiff as a board. “I can’t do it.” He says dryly as he scoots away from the window. “I can’t go in there and look at everyone, watch them all, hear them all, act like I care that they are sorry Jensen is….” His voice breaks off. “Is….” His hands go over his face, covering it, squeezing against it as if he wants to smother himself before he exhales hard and lowers them turning and looking out the window again. “Gone.”

Jim shifts next to Jared; he puts his hand on Jared’s shoulder in a consoling manner. “I know how hard it is. When Cecily died I think the only things that got me through were Maddie and my good friends. I know you don’t want to go in there, I know you want to bury your head in the sand and pretend none of this ever happened but you can’t because it did and no amount of self pity is changing it.”

Jared turns to face Jim. “I don’t care if they want me in there. I really, really, don’t care how they are going to talk about me for not being in there. I can’t be shamed into socializing when I just watched the love my life take his last breaths, be wheeled on a gurney to an elevator to be taken to the morgue, suited up then slathered in satin, stuffed into a mahogany box, and lowered into the ground to have dirt thrown on him. I really don’t care about them right now Jim. I guess the sooner they realize this the better off we will all be, because I don’t want them at my door tomorrow with soup, or food, or coffee, or themselves for that matter.” Jared grits his teeth; his voice gets dark as he pushes the words out. “I want them all to leave me the fuck alone.”

****

The curtains have been drawn for days, the answering machine and cell phone voice mails are full, the newspapers are building up outside the front door and Jared hasn’t been out of bed in four days except to take care of the dogs.

The phone rings, Jared rolls over puts the pillow over his head and screams into it. “Why won’t you just leave me the fuck alone?!”

The afternoon sun peaking through the tiniest slip in the curtains is playing on the sheets, the warmth on the empty side of the bed is comforting to his back and he turns over, takes Jensen’s pillow in his arms holds it to his face and smells the lingering scents. He thinks how he could be kissing him right now, his hands playing in his hair as their mouths pressed tight bodies smooth and naked pressed even tighter than their lips and he starts to sob. He begs for answers into the soft cotton weave “Why did you leave me?” Jared’s heart is too heavy for his chest and he wishes it would just break, just kill him and be done with all this pain.

****

It’s been two weeks since the funeral and Jared’s been a total recluse in his home with his dogs. He doesn’t eat until he can’t stand it anymore and then its stale bread sandwiches and milk that is now expired.

He’s sitting on the couch watching a dvd of he and Jensen running scenes from the last episode they shot. He keeps rewinding it over and over to the same spot where they call cut and Jensen leans over and kisses him on the cheek while they are sitting in the Impala. The crew laughs when Jared leans in and kisses him back only this time on the lips. He smiles at this scene but his heart is aching with need.

He doesn’t know what day it is or what time of the day it is for that matter but he hears a car door in their driveway.

The doorbell rings and the dogs start to bark. Jared tries to calm them down, to get them to stop barking but they break loose and run to the door jumping excitedly against it. He rubs the 2 week beard on his chin, straightens his stained over worn T-shirt and decides to answer it.

He looks through the peep hole to see Jim standing on the porch holding a bag tucked in his arm and a six pack of beer. Jared sighs deep before opening the door.

When Jared opens the door Jim smiles but has a horrified look in his eyes. Jared just stares through the screen door at him. “Well, are you going to let me in?” Jared only continues to look out at him. “I brought food and beer.” He holds up the six pack giving an enticing smile. Jared pushes the door open. “Yeah come on in.”

Jim steps into the darkened house and looks around. “Where should I put these?” he asks stepping into the kitchen and flicking on the light. He turns around to find Jared standing in the doorway watching him.

“You know Jim maybe you should have called first.” He says dryly sizing Jim up expressionless.
“Jared we’ve all been trying to call you, every one of us, everyday. Your answering machine and voice mail won’t take any more calls so I’m the one who agreed to come over and see if your body was still warm.” He pushes a beer in Jared’s direction and Jared takes it. “I’m still warm; you can go back and report that Jared Padalecki is still alive.”

Jim frowns at him. “Jared you look like hell, you’ve been holed up in here for weeks. I’m not here for a showdown, I’m here as your friend.” He touches Jared’s shoulder. “Now I brought burgers.” He turns and opens the bag up pulling out one wrapped burger handing it to Jared. “Here, take it, eat it, trust me it will help.”

Jim goes into the living room opening up the curtains letting the early evening sun in and Jared winces at it. They sit down on the sofa and Jim unwraps his burger then takes a big bite. “MMMM good, try it.” Jared opens his sandwich and takes a cautious bite. It actually tastes good to him, better than the stale sandwiches and half spoiled milk he’s been eating. Jim smiles at him and holds his burger up like he’s going to make a toast. “See it does help.”

They finish their food in silence and Jared gets them another beer before he settles in to the couch feeling a little bit more satisfied.

Jim leans back on the couch his beer resting on his belly and he studies the label thoughtfully. “You know when Cecily died six years ago I thought that I’d never get over it.” He looks over at Jared who is staring down at his wedding band his thumb pushing it back and forth mournfully. “I know I’m not getting over this.” He says looking up at Jim.

“Yeah Jared, I thought that too.” He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “Ya know Jensen would want you to move forward, not sit here with the curtains drawn wallowing in your misery.” Jared looks at Jim with narrowed eyes his mouth drawn tight. “You don’t know what he would want.” “You’re right Jared I don’t know what he would want but I also can’t imagine he would want you to hurt. He loved you Jared and the last thing he would want is you to be in pain, especially over him.”

Jared stands up. “You got what you came over here for, now I think it’s time you go.” He heads for the front door.

Jim stands up pushing his hands into his jean pockets. “Actually I didn’t get what I actually came over here after.” Jared glares at him. “What, did you come over here after?” He leans against the open front door. “I came over here to help you, but you’re so deep in your own self pity you can’t see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

Jared pulls the door open wider. “There’s no light at the end of my tunnel. Good night.”
Jim walks forward pushing into Jared’s chest looking him right in the eye. “I wish I’d had friends as good as you have when Cecily died. You close your curtains, block your friends out Jared but ain’t none of it gonna bring Jensen back.” He walks out the door stepping over the pile of newspapers. Jared slams the door behind him and watches as he pulls out the driveway before pulling the curtains shut again before retreating back upstairs to the bedroom.
*****

The phone hasn’t rung in two days and Jared is happy for the reprieve. He brings in the newspapers and mail because the mail carrier called the police fearing he was inside dead for over two weeks.

He opens the refrigerator and finds it empty, there’s nothing to eat for him or the dogs. He knows he has to go to the store and can’t stand the thought of it.

He goes into the bathroom and looks in the mirror, not like he hasn’t seen himself in the mirror over the last two weeks but this time he actually sees himself. He touches his beard the bristly whiskers scratching the pads of his fingers. “Humph.” He sighs before noticing his t-shirt. It’s stained, wrinkled and smells of sweat and old food. He winces at himself and what he’s become. He strips down and climbs into the shower the water cascading down over him, his skin prickling with the pounding water and he feels himself well up with emotion. He covers his face and leans against the shower wall his eyes filling with tears spilling down his cheeks blending in with the water spraying his face. He can’t help but feel it all rushing to the surface, he feels alone, cold, empty, and afraid. He falls to his knees the water rushing down his back as he crumples to the shower floor loud sobs echoing off the shower walls. “How can I do it without you Jen?” He sobs into the steamy stream body limp on the floor. “I can’t do it without you. How can I… I don’t know how to be without you.” His pain fills the room and all he can do is cry out, let it all flow out filling the empty spaces all around him.

He lies on the floor until the water becomes tepid, he forces himself to shower off and climb out. He wraps a towel around his waist and wipes the steam from the mirror. His beard wet and softened and he thinks about Jensen when he would grow his beard when they were on hiatus.

He takes out Jensen’s beard trimmer and looks at it. There are small stubbly hairs still lodged in the blade so he taps it on the edge of the sink, the hairs fall down inside the sink bowl and he stares at them as if they are the last shreds of Jensen left in the world. He puts the trimmer to the side of his face moving it down taking off the beard, his hairs falling into the bowl mixing with the remnants of Jensen’s and he feels the tears starting to come again but he holds them back as he finishes shaving.

He opens the closet door on Jensen’s side. He fingers over the line of well pressed suits all in only two shades, navy blue or black. He moves onto the crisp pressed button down shirts hanging after the suits his hand faltering on one with a small stain on the collar. He remembers the stain; red wine from the CW’s free to be together party. How he had accidentally sloshed his wine when they snuck off to a quiet corner to kiss. He fingers the stain before pulling the shirt out, slipping it over his damp body the arms and hem are too short but its Jensen’s and that’s all that matters.

Jared lies down on the bed pulling the shirt tight over his chest as he curls up in the fetal position facing the empty side of the bed.

He wakes up and the room is dark, the dogs are barking at the downstairs and he goes down to see what’s happening. He looks out the front door to see Jim standing there holding a giant bag of dog food and something in a brown paper bag. He opens the door. “Jim?” He looks at him with confusion. “I thought.” He starts but Jim cuts him off. “Going to let me in Jared?” He shoves the bag of dog food at him. “Yeah, sure.” Jared steps back and lets Jim come in and he smells food like maybe cheese steak sandwiches. He follows Jim into the kitchen and leans against the counter as he watches him open the food and pour a copious amount into their bowl. “Whoa there, they don’t get that much Jim.” He walks over and takes the bag from him. “Just fill the bowl, that’s enough for the two of them.” “Well, glad to see you still care about the dog’s health.” Jim says with a smile. “Here sit down, I brought us some food.” He opens the bag as Jared sits down. He hands Jared a long sandwich wrapped in white butcher paper. Jared examines it before looking at Jim. “Mario’s Cheese steaks?” Jim opens the paper of his sandwich. “Sure are. I know how you and Jenny love them, so I called them, told them I needed two sandwiches made for Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki for pick-up.” Jared frowns. “But Mario’s is in Vancouver?” Jim laughs. “Sure is Jared, can’t get anything by you. Misha was doing the final episode reshoot and then heading back tonight so I called him, told him I needed him to stop by Mario’s and pick up my sandwiches to bring back here for us. He agreed so when he landed I picked them up at the airport about an hour ago and here they are.” Jim bites into his sandwich.

Jared stares at his sandwich his eyes a blank daze as he thinks about Jensen salivating as they drove home from the sub shop the last time they were working.

“Look boy it’s already cold and you need to eat something, there isn’t a thing left in this house that’s eatable.”

Jared picks up the sandwich and takes a bite chewing it like he has never tasted anything better in his life. “Thank you Jim.” He says with his mouth full. Jim laughs. “You’re so very welcome.”

The silence is awkward and yet comfortable, just seeing Jared eating and enjoying it makes Jim’s heart feel like the barriers Jared was building are breaking down. “So think you might get dressed at some point cause, you know, the towel.” Jim points at Jared’s torso. A smile crosses Jared’s mouth. Jim smiles back. “I forgot, really sorry.”

Jared pulls on his sweat pants and a clean sweat shirt before going back down to the living room.

Jim sits on the sofa watching the dvd Jared has in of he and Jensen doing lines from the last scene they shot together. Jared walks in and takes the remote turning it off. “That’s private.” He snaps at Jim.

“Look Jared I know how you’re feeling.” Jared cuts him off with a curt tone. “Yeah you’ve told me that.” Jim gives him a dark glare. “I like you Jared, I cared for Jensen a whole hell of a lot and it broke most of us when he died. He has friends and family that loved him too, have you even talked to his parents or yours for that matter?”

Jared hangs his head down fiddling with his own thumbs. “I can’t. What would I say to them? I didn’t even go into the wake, I came home, got stinking drunk, cried at the photo album and passed out cold on the floor of the den. I’m not proud of how I’m handling this, but what else can I do.”

Jared moves closer to him on the couch. “You pick up the phone and call someone who loves you. You call Sherry and Gerry and let them know they still have you and that you still love them. You call me, Misha or anyone else who loves you. Don’t just sit here and rot, Jensen wouldn’t want that. He’d kick your ass boy, haul you out into the sunlight and force you to sunbathe for an hour just to get your mind off the pain. You know this Jared you know you’d be breaking his heart acting like this.”

Jared sighs deep. “I miss him so much Jim, so much my heart wants to break but it can’t and I wish it would just to get rid of this horrible feeling.”

Jim puts his hand on Jared’s knee to console him. “It’s never going to break; it’s never going to go away completely. You two had a love so many of us envied. That’s something that makes a lifelong connection with the heart and no one is ever going to take his place, but you’re young, you’re going to want to find someone else at some point. God knows I never thought I would want another woman but I’m ready now. My heart will always love Cecily and I have Maddie to remind me everyday of that love but I’m ready to go forward again and you will be too, when the time is right.”

Sadie comes over and lies on Jared’s feet; he reaches down and pets her head before looking back up at Jim. “It’s going to take me a long time. People can’t expect a lot out of me for awhile.”

“Hey Jared you took a shower for the first time in several weeks, that’s a big start.” Jim pats him on the back. They sit in silence watching the dvds of Jensen and Jared’s out takes, them filming each other with the dogs at the park, their first Christmas when Sadie decided to eat Jensen’s beef jerky and cashmere sweater. When the night was over and Jim was ready to leave Jared smiled at him. “Thanks Jim.”
“Hey you’re welcome kid.”
“You know without you not, well you know not giving up on my sorry ass, it helped a lot.”

*****

Jared pulls Jensen’s convertible out into the driveway, puts the top down and whistles for the dogs. He walks back into the garage and brings out several planters in a box with an assortment of flowers in them and puts them on the front seat. The dogs jump into the backseat and lay down.

He drives up the narrow winding road past all of the monuments and well decorated grave sites to Jensen’s headstone. He pulls the car off the road and opens the door letting the dogs out before getting out the boxes with flowers in them. He opens the trunk and pulls out a gardening spade and work gloves.

The dogs lay alongside Jensen’s headstone under the shade tree as Jared goes to work digging small holes and planting the delicate flowers around the stone, one by one he plants them with care shedding tears as he works his labor of love. Five flowers, one for each year they were together and he vows that on their anniversary he will plant a new one in remembrance of their great love.

He sits on the ground next to the stone and talks to Jensen. He tells him how much he misses him, how Jim helped him realize he couldn’t give up, that he needed to go on to remember him, keep him close at heart so that he’ll live on forever.


When Jared loads the dogs back into the car along with the gardening supplies he blows a kiss to Jensen’s headstone. “I love you, see you next Sunday.”

The End

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Comments {40}

asah21

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from: asah21
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 12:50 am (UTC)
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boy you won't kiding about the angst this was soo heartbreaking poor jared i had tears in my eyes when there where say goodbye at the hospital it was soo sad now am goona go to bed all depressed and cry myself to sleep :]

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 01:57 pm (UTC)
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Sorry but I had to get this out of me. I had the idea and it nagged at me every time I heard the song I wish it would break by dierks bentley.

Thanks for reading and hope you're pillow didn't get too wet with tears.

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leahk80

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from: leahk80
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 01:03 am (UTC)
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wow...very sad...made me cry... very nice fic.

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 01:59 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for reading it. I actually feared no one would want to with the warning but glad someone took the chance on it.

Thanks again.

I promise my next fic I'm working on isn't sad at all.

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Its Sam. Sammy is a chubby 12 year old.

(no subject)

from: spnfreak15
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 01:20 am (UTC)
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aww i loved it. great job :)

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dolnmoon

(no subject)

from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:00 pm (UTC)
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Thank you so much. Thanks for taking the chance and reading it.

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deansgirl7107

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from: deansgirl7107
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 01:36 am (UTC)
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*eyes full of tears* That was so sad,heartbreaking but so caring and loving *sobs*

My heart is breaking and i pray for that to never really happend.

Thanks it was beautiful.

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:03 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for reading. I'm glad the emotion I was trying to convey did come through.

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(no subject)

from: palodoecious
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 01:53 am (UTC)
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OMG! im crying, wow such a powerful fic, Thank you so much!

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:04 pm (UTC)
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Your so welcome and thank you for reading it.

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fishgirl52

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from: fishgirl52
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:03 am (UTC)
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*sniff* god, jared's grief just broke my heart. wonderful job.

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:26 pm (UTC)
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Thank you so much for reading.

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tinkabell007

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from: tinkabell007
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:48 am (UTC)
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I literally had to pause halfway through b/c I was crying so hard that I couldn't see the words anymore. So, you really did your job very well.
And I guess everyone who suffered through such an experience is able to connect to this story on so many different levels. From the "leaving reality part when you get the msg" to "saying goodbye" to the "trying to move on part". So yes, you did a marvelous job describing all of this and portraying the character's emotions.

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:21 pm (UTC)
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OMG thank you so much. I really put my heart and soul into this. I struggled writing it as it depressed me, made me cry a little at parts but I got it down. It nagged at me for over a week after hearing the song I wish it would break by dierks bentley.
Honestly I didn't know if I would ever get past the 3rd page with it because it took so much out of me, but I'm so glad it did with a shining review like that.

Thank you so much for reading and glad you liked it.
Love your icon btw. I'm a Jared girl myself.

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tinkabell007

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from: tinkabell007
date: Apr. 28th, 2010 02:00 pm (UTC)
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First of all: YAY for also being a Jared girl! ♥ There can never be enough Jared girls!! And fandom seriously needs MORE!! :)

And hey, no need to thank me. Just calling it how I see it :) I'm really glad that you worked your way through this fic and made it to the end. I know such a story (esp. the death of one of the Js) is not really a fanfic favorite among the fandom (since a lot of ppl just dont want to read it) but I really like it. There are fluffy and funny fics, so there also need to be other fics as well to keep the balance. And such fics are always more realistic than the "and then we all live happily ever after" stories (which I like, don't get me wrong lol But I also enjoy stuff like this once in a while)

Sorry... lol I guess I'm rambling...! Again, kudos for writing something like this!!! :-))

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dolnmoon

(no subject)

from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 28th, 2010 05:23 pm (UTC)
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Rambling is fine as I tend to ramble too. LOL ;)

Yep been a Jared girl since Gilmore girls.. lol When he was geeky Dean. lol Fandom does need more Jared girls.

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wusswoo

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from: wusswoo
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 08:42 am (UTC)
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That was remarkably moving. You may have made a hard hearted bitch cry...but I'm not prepared to confirm that xx

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 02:24 pm (UTC)
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My job is done.. I possibly made a hared hearted bitch cry. *walks away with my head held high.*

Glad you liked it thank you for reading my little whim.

hugs

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Eliza

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from: sweetest_e
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 03:04 pm (UTC)
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So... really heartbreaking, but I loved it nonetheless. It was really well written.

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
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Thank you so much.

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aelia1980

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from: aelia1980
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 04:05 pm (UTC)
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*sniff* This fic is so sad, I´m crying my heart out. I just hope it´s never gonna happen... Thanks for sharing

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dolnmoon

(no subject)

from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 04:19 pm (UTC)
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It's never going to happen no worries about that..

Thank you for reading.

Hugs

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cmc

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from: cmc1964
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 05:00 pm (UTC)
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Wowww. so sad,...heartbreaking *sobs*, but wonderful written! THX for sharing!

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 05:36 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for reading. I'm glad you liked it. It is rather heartbreaking though. It was a hard fic to write.

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Colleen

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from: cravenhawk
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 05:58 pm (UTC)
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Way to make me cry!

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 08:53 pm (UTC)
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Sorry.... =( But to be fair I cried while I was writing it. I intended it to make people feel strong emotions feel Jared's pain. I guess I achieved that.

Thanks for reading.

Edited at 2010-04-27 08:55 pm (UTC)

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shenova

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from: shenova
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 07:12 pm (UTC)
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So sad poor Jared having to try and build his life without Jensen you have to take it one day at a time. The angst worked really well. At least he has really good friends around him.

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 27th, 2010 08:55 pm (UTC)
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Yeah he needed his friends to help him, save him, be his rope keeping him tethered here.

Thanks for reading.

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~Boo

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from: abeautifullie3
date: Apr. 28th, 2010 09:18 am (UTC)
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I'm not quite sure what to say really. I've never read one of these (death-fic?) before, I was just curious about the title, and when I got here...well I always say I'm too curious for my own damn good!

I will admit I skimmed some parts, I was crying too hard. I know partly it's just the mere thought of something like this happening, but it also speaks to your writing, because if it sucked I might have just been sad...as opposed to having to take off tear streaked glasses & grab for tissues.

I promise I'll look for something else from you, that is less likely to induce mass sobbing, and read the whole thing! ;-)

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dolnmoon

(no subject)

from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 28th, 2010 11:06 am (UTC)
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I'm sorry that I made you sob but I did warn everyone that it's sad.
Honestly I don't write like this. I had an idea that nagged at me for a week before I decided to pen it down and only got 3 pages down then wondered if I could even finish it because it's so sad and dark. I finally did finish it and am glad I did because it seems to have inspired all the emotion I hoped it would.

This was a one shot deal, no more sad death fic for me. I cried while writing it and it made me depressed too, took a lot out of me to do it.

I promise my next works are not as dark very light, fun and sexy.

If you want to read more of what I offer I have 4 other J2 fics up here at my j2_ficwhore writing journal feel free to check them out, I'm currently writing my 3rd installment to the Worship me fic exploring the notepad entries.

Thanks for reading.

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~Boo

(no subject)

from: abeautifullie3
date: Apr. 28th, 2010 06:29 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry that I made you sob but I did warn everyone that it's sad.

Oh no, don't apologize! You did warn, I just don't think I was expecting to be moved to tears like I was.

I know what you mean about needing to get the ideas out. I never thought I would write Sam/Dean, but I had a big ol' plot bunny (is that what they are called?) hit me the other day, so I jotted it down and know I will eventually HAVE to write it. LOL

Also, I understand the whole crying while writing it thing. I'm working on a book and had to write a sad scene which had me sobbing while I was writing it. I think if you are really invested in your characters, you are going to be empathetic to what they are going through, and that can be an awesome thing if it translates all that much more on the page.

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dolnmoon

(no subject)

from: dolnmoon
date: Apr. 28th, 2010 07:36 pm (UTC)
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Yeah this was the hardest fic I ever wrote well next to my J2 big bang it was hard to write 48k and feel like my story line wasn't boring. lol

I just read your rack them up and OMG... faints**

I'm just glad I was able to translate the emotions.

Thanks

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seastarish

(no subject)

from: seastarish
date: May. 16th, 2010 01:24 pm (UTC)
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I've just re-read this and it still has the same effect like the first time. You beautifully portrayed the feelings and the struggle J had to go through in the first few weeks.

At this part:
“I want a lifetime with you.” Jared croaks out.
“And you got one. I gave you all I can for this lifetime, now you’re going to have to go on without me.” Jensen strokes Jared’s hair.

and basically the whole hospital scene, but particularly this one I got teary, the emotions were so palpable. This little exchange was perfect. They really got a lifetime together it was just cut short. I liked how even though he was in pain and hurt both physically and emotionally he still came through and tried to support and comfort J. I like the idea of him being the only one who can take away the pain, but also he is the one causing it by dying.

I would really like to know how J cops after that, since I imagine it's just the first step. Though I knew you said it's just a one off.

Sorry to ramble I just wanted to let you know, it's a really moving fic and your writing is beautiful! Keep on writing! :)

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dolnmoon

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from: dolnmoon
date: May. 17th, 2010 09:13 pm (UTC)
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Wow thanks for reading it twice, that is very flattering.

The hospital scene was so hard to write as was the grave site scene but I put all the emotion I could dig up into them, put myself in that position if I were to lose my one and only love how would I react. I'm glad that it came through and stirred real emotion in the reader, you.

Thanks again for reading, glad you really like it.

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keerawa

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from: keerawa
date: May. 17th, 2010 03:47 am (UTC)
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Dear God, woman, when you promise angst you really deliver.

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dolnmoon

(no subject)

from: dolnmoon
date: May. 17th, 2010 09:14 pm (UTC)
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LOL it wasn't a warning for nothing.. lol

Thanks for reading.

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firesign10

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from: firesign10
date: Aug. 5th, 2011 03:04 am (UTC)
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Oh my god, was that sad. I just ached for Jared. It's beautifully written though, and the end seems like he's finding the will to live again. Kudos!

(And YES I am reading down your master list :-D )

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j2_ficwhore

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from: j2_ficwhore
date: Aug. 6th, 2011 09:53 am (UTC)
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AWWW thanks. Yeah this one was so hard to write but to get the emotions across I had to put myself into Jared's shoes and think how it would feel to lose the love of my life.. I admit I cried a little bit when I wrote this, the anguish Jared felt, the heartbreak was just unbearable for him and he felt broken but in the end I gave him the will to live because life is for the living.

LOL I am not cringing because thee a few stinker fics in there.. lol enjoy. lol

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chellexxx

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from: chellexxx
date: Dec. 9th, 2013 09:17 pm (UTC)
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This broke me, absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking
xxx

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j2_ficwhore

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from: j2_ficwhore
date: Dec. 23rd, 2013 05:50 pm (UTC)
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Thank you. I cried when I was writing it, putting myself in Jared's shoes at that instant. So glad that you liked it. <3

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